Archive | January, 2011

Dad And Dad?

31 Jan

Now,

Before things go a bit “Sky sports presenters”  career wise, I want to point out that I am in no way homophobic.

That’s why I don’t want people burning down the charred remains of the TDS office when they hear that I’m not too keen on the hype around Sir Elton Johns “becoming a father thing”.

People will disagree sure “why can’t benders have babies” I hear you say.

Well lets begin.

First of all look at him

Embarrassing dad much?

Dear god we all think our dads are bad but this guy is 63, wearing huge blue sparkly glasses with a gnome on them…awesome cool one granddad.

Another thing when this kid is 17 Sir John is then going to be a cool 80… those will be some sweet teenage years, pushing your dad around in a wheel chair while he’s still dressed like a toddler.

When I read about this story I was thinking “well lets give the guy a chance, maybe he will be serious about being a dad he won’t go treating a baby like a fashion item or something”

Ohhhhh no.

Heres a headline already

” Sir Elton Buys Baby An Ipod” – Nice one you prick, your kids 37 days old and you got him and i-pod what a useless gift for a baby, first the earpieces wouldn’t even fit and second your going to get a deaf baby”

I’m not even going to start on the cocaine addiction or the horrible diva attitude this guy has.

Mike – Not hatin gays in this office

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What is wrong with the world?

31 Jan

Gayest, crapest, weirdest, two-bit shit storm of bum rubbish, No ‘not that miserable twat Murray’, Eurovision is back.

So who do we send to defend our great nation? Who do we send to defend the honour of the nation that gave the world, The Beatles and The Rolling Stones?

Who does the BBC ‘overriding the 65-year-old voting process’ place as the nation’s best chance of smashing this competition to pieces?

Wait for it, sorry who? FUCK NO, your kidding right? This can’t be right, there a bunch of Cun……(The rest of this article has been removed after reports of abusive language, violence, and Egyptian style rioting broke out in the Dirty Side office. It is believed that the riots lasted for 9 hours, leaving 17 people dead, a block of offices burned to ground and an Ice cream van plus driver missing)

Pictured here :  TDS staff members take to the streets.

A spokes person for TDS said: We were just so happy when Blue decided they would never make anymore music,  and the news of their return has caused us some problems. We hope that we can put this behind us. We send our condolences to the Families of the 17 TDS staff members we lost during the riots, but we know, as their families know, they died doing what they loved, hating Blue.

Top of the shit-heap reject wasters, BLUE.

Due to legal reasons surrounding the TDS/Blue reaction riot, we have had sanctions placed upon us to stop any further comment on Blue’s participation in the Eurovision singing contest.

Further to this TDS would like to make clear that the disappearance of the Ice-Cream van driver had nothing to do with them.

It’s reported, The last time the driver was seen, was putting his feet on the seats of Black-Cab as it sped away from the riot.

Bob for TDS biting his lip

 

Apprentice Contestant Turns Out to be Dodgy Bastard (Shock!).

28 Jan

News just in !!

A “star” of the hit show ‘The Apprentice’ has been arrested and charged with fraud.

Lord Sugar is said to be furious(as always) and will not be hiring Christopher after whatever, slap-on-the-wrist he will most likely be getting.

This keen little thieving bastard will never be short of work though as RBS and The Bank Of England have both been headhunting Chris for some days now.

Both banks are looking at hiring Chris to head up all operations within England on a modest salary of  £4billon a month, some gold bars and the soul of every child in Great Britain.

Gooo Get Him Boys —

A Dirty Side Royal Exclusive: Kate looks to have “Gypsy” style wedding.

28 Jan

Kate ”foot in the door” Middleton has been clearly inspired the by the sheer class displayed by the Gypsy-brides-to-be on Channel Four’s smash hit show: “My big fat display of Vulgar Crassness”

Kate was believed to have been overwhelmed at the thought that now with the Royal wedding budget behind her, she can have a dress as big as Scotland, with flashing lights and real life Butterflies and Kittens sown into the lining.

The Queen is said to have been delighted at the plans and has even offered to kill some Swans and have Gypsy’s outlawed so that Kate’s wedding can never be topped. There are rising fears that even with the Royal budget the level of detail can never reach that of a true Gypsy wedding.

We interviewed a Gypsy man who told us briefly to: “Get the fuck off his land”, which we could just about hear over the farmer telling the Gypsy to: “The get the fuck off his land”. We decided this was way to many land disputes in one sentence and promptly left.

Bob for TDS –  Royally running a muck

Egypt calls on the biblical power of the Dream Coat.

27 Jan

Armed only with the Technicolor Dream Coat this man fends off entire riot police unit.

The man who is believed not to be Joseph is said to have contacted the Dream Coat regarding the latest bout of antigovernment riots, according to a source close to the Dream Coat,the snazzy jacket was more than happy to help

One Government official said “the Dream Coat is too powerful for us, we can’t stop looking at the colours, It’s truly amazing”

Not much is understood about the power of the dream coat and what is known is somewhat shrouded in mystery. We know that after a long career in Broadway the Dream Coat finally decided to take a more political role, lending its powers to impoverished communities in the fight against government oppression.

Unfortunately in Egypt Birthdays are taken very seriously and during the chaos of the riot this man received 57 bumps whilst riot police watch on.

The man said: “He was pleased he survived the ordeal”

Bob for TDS – getting the fuck outa here !!!

PhoneTaps are rubbish says TDS Editor.

26 Jan

What is all the fuss about PhoneTaps ?

We have been testing one all day in the TDS office and all we get is a wet ear.!!!

 

 

Bob for TDS, dropping comedy bombs all over the place!

Your Toyota is our Toyota, No actually can you give it back please it’s broken, again, yes.

26 Jan

Those crazy Japs are at it again, this time it’s leaking fuel.  We grab a chat with Head of quality control and surprisingly enough  R n B legend Stevie Wonder:

So Stevie, hows life at Toyota ?

Oh man life is just great at Toyota!! I love the toyotans.

Toyatans? Don’t you mean Japanese?

Yeah I love them too man, I love everyone.

So there has been reports that once again Toyota have had recalled thousands of cars due to a quality control issue? Is this true?

I Don’t know man, All I know is I love these little guys their real funny.

Right, O-k then, thanks Stevie,

Well that just about wraps it up from me here at the Toyota plant and we can exclusively reveal that if you do plan on buying in Toyota at any point in the near future, they are most probably are going to have it back at some point, either by yourself returning it or in a series of boxes marked “forensic evidence” when it kills you.

Bob for TDS risking life n limb so you don’t have to…

Magnets are bad, and not the good way, Bad, like Evil. Says some old trade rag

25 Jan

Spotted this little headline gem on that popular daily scaremongering Website/Newspaper the snail or whatever it’s called.

“How magnets held to the head could switch off our sense of right and wrong”

What the article loosely said is that by testing on Americans, I will repeat that “Americans” they have discovered that holding a massive magnet to your head can switch off your ability to know the difference between right or wrong.

As illustrated in figure one:

Figure One.

I am of course very dubious of this purely because holding a massive amount of anything to one’s head is bound to have some sort averse affects.

Check this out: “If hold depleted uranium to my head it switches off my ability to live!” One over funded crackpot says as he drops dead.

What exactly are these experiments trying to prove? The world is a pretty crazy place already, do we need to know how to switch off the part of the brain that distinguishes between right and wrong? In short, No. Even if we did, that’s not going to end well is it?

I foresee two options: Either, A world where everybody is indescribably Evil and we just end up killing each other and probably destroying an innocent planet, or even worst, a place where everyone is really really disgustingly nice to each other, all the time, yeah! Picture that.

I would have to change the name of this website for one, TheNiceSide! Puhaha! Then I would have to write nice things about celebrities and politicians and couldn’t write things like “How the in the name of fuck has Shane Warne managed to score with Liz Hurley? Christ on a bike, there’s hope for us all”

It would just be wrong. Very very wrong.

So what I’m getting at is, let’s stop with all the Magno-Brain- Messing-About –Research, before you really get us all in trouble.

Bob for TDS magno’d-off-my-tits

Gay man admits he likes the smell of sh*t!

24 Jan

Nothing new here people, move along.

Girls don’t know anything! Say pair of Fucking Dickheads

24 Jan

Now if there is something that really gets me going it’s people who’s car breaks down and they just sit in the car, in the way, blocking up the traffic,” Get out and push your f-ing car to side of the road you idiot” but if we are just talking about people I absolutely hate, then these two are right up there.

Anti-women’s rights sexist and “probable” Nazi, Andy Gray and his equally dubious accomplice Richard Keys. Now these two have been caught out slagging women off with the “ye ole mic is still switched on trick” saying they don’t know the off side rule, they can’t drive  let alone park, and that the only place other than the Bedroom they should be seen is the Kitchen. Well well well.

Is this acceptable for SKY TV presenters? I don’t think so, I called for them both to be SACKED then publicly forced to apologise, we all know girls don’t know the offside rule but you just don’t say it out loud!(Just kidding ladies, I couldn’t resist)

I for one would pay to see them explain themselves to boardroom bulldog and West Ham chairwoman Karen Brady, She would rip them to pieces with any luck.

Wanker’s of the week? Yep, and it’s only Monday.

Bob for TDS, Ignoring the facts and embellishing the truth. Over n Out ..