Archive | February, 2011

I’m not quitting says Mubarak!!

10 Feb

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bob for TDS – Riot anyone ?

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Iphone battery life not long enough to cope with demands of Catholic priests says the Church.

9 Feb

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bob for TDS – Crossing the line with ease, like it was easy I mean, not like with bag of class A’s

TDS Random old codger chart

9 Feb

Following on from the TDS Random old codger chart.

We have had hundreds of entry requests for the newly crowned “super gran of Northhampton”

If you havent already heard 71-year-old supergran Ann Timson (pictured Left) has taking on six thugs outside a jewellery shop.

Ohh yeah!! this video has been circling monitors for a couple of days now we love it.

 It starts as a usual smash and grab of a jewelry shop, you know three guys with sledgehammers trying to get some bling whilst three more dudes hang back on their getaway motorbikes.

Sounds like a tight plan right …ohh no not when you got the hardest gran in england on your tail.

You can spot her here legging it up the street to the scene of the crime about to wooop some ass in true northampton oap style!

BAM!!

Now not to make fun at this truly awesome nanna but after some TDS investigation we are starting to doubt the badassness of these smash and grabbers, first thing what kind of getaway bike would you expect these bad men to use? A Kawasaki super duper? a Suzuki megaspeed? no they used a ….wait for it a Vesper. 

 

Badass right i mean wooo what a hog!! you’re going to out run any high-speed pursuit on that! these things go about 30mph and with two sledgehammer laden dudes on it they have got to be joking right.

anyway i think supergran Ann Timson makes it on our Random old codger chart! 

Side note… our specialist background checkers  spotted George Mcfly from back to the future at the seen of the crime you can see him Juuuust to the left of the picture below.

Toby Le’rone – Old people

Old man Vs Mother Nature

8 Feb

Now, not much of battle I hear you cry! The 4.6 billion year old all dominating planet against Ex London Underground tube driver and general lunatic, 73-year-old Micheal Kennedy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Old Mikey has (according to font of all knowledge-The Mail) been shifting rocks about for the last 14 years in order to protect the cliffs to which I assume he has his retirement house built upon.

According to him, he has moved move around 200 hundred tonnes and spent about 9000 hours in doing so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The fruits of wasted time.

Mikey my man, have you seen the sea? Do you know what it does? It washes stuff away, like forever, I hate to be the one to tell you this but, I think you might be err wasting your (and lets face facts here) precious time.

You want to know what the worst part is? The cliffs have been receding a little over a foot a year for the last one hundred years. He totally wasting his time, or is he?

Introducing TDS Random old codger chart

Now this is strong entre to random old codger chart, but I feel personally that it is not quite as good as “Mickey Tripp” (the Accessorize bomber) Feel free to disagree with me (thedirtyside@hotmail.co.uk).

So the chart looks like thus.

 

 

 

Number 1 – Mickey Tripp – Great name, great look, terrible bomber, but as an all-rounder he has held that number spot. TDS Lunatic rating 8

 

 

 

 

 

 

Number 2 – (New Entry) – Michael Kennedy  ( The Stone man), great look,sunglasses on a cloudy day, Pack-a-Mack jacket, Maximum time-wasting ability, TDS Lunatic rating 6

Wow what an exciting turn of events! Just when you though it was safe, we drop the “Random old codger charts” nobody saw that coming. In fact I didn’t even see that coming and I’m typing.

Bob for TDS – Wondering if, when I muse over all the achievements I have made in my life, just where abouts the “Random old Codger Charts” are going to feature, my guess is relatively high.

One email later, and my life has changed

7 Feb

Dear Good Friend

Greetings

It is indeed my pleasure to write you this letter, which I believe will be a surprise to you as we have never met before,

and I am deeply sorry if I have in any manner disturbed your privacy. Please forgive this unusual manner of contacting
you, but this particular letter is of exceptional and very private nature. There is absolutely going to be a great doubt
and distrust in your heart in respect of this email, coupled with the fact that, so many individuals have taken
possession of the Internet to facilitate their nefarious deeds, thereby making it extremely difficult for genuine
and legitimate business class persons to get attention and recognition.
There is no way for me to know whether I will be properly understood, but it is my duty to write and reach out to you. 

My name is Mrs.Vivian Salem, wife of late Salem Nasim in Iraq, some years ago,

I lost my husband Nasim and three children -Husam, 15 years old,Wasim, 12 years old and Merna, 6years old, this Happened
when a Combatant Military Tank shelled our car as my family attempted to flee heavy fighting in Baghdad,
View the Website below for detail Story of how I lost my family. 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/hi/middle_east/04/vivians_story/html/1.stm

Before my husband and my Children was killed, he Deposited the sum of $31.6 million

( Thirty one million six hundred thousand Dollars ) with a Security & Finance company in Europe.
I had contacted a Diplomat who was attached to the United Nation Peace keeping forces in Europe and had assured
me of assisting me to move the Boxes through Diplomatic Cargo,ONLY if I had a PARTNER to receive it on my behalf. 

All I need from you is to receive the Fund as my husband business Associates and Invest the fund into any

Lucrative Investment in your country.I will remunerate you with 40 % at the end,but most of all is that I solicit your
trust in this transaction and will not want you to betray me at the end Please in your reply to this my
private email (mrsviviansalem@live.com) include your Mobile number Home telephone number and your
residential or company address for easy Communication. 

Thank you,
Mrs.Vivian Salem

Dearest Vivian

I am truly surprised to hear from you being as we have never meet and please no don’t worry about disturbing my incredibly busy lifestyle, your story has as been met with great sorrow here at the HQ of the satirical news rip off website TDS.

The manner in which you lost your family has really touched our hearts and of course, not only will I provide you with all my personal bank details, addresses and company accounts, in fact I will send anything you need.

As for the business proposal, well I am flatted, and will of course accept, I’m sure I can think of some really lucrative business opportunities to invest your husband’s money.

I mean of course, 40% of 31 million dollars is going to make my life a little different, but I am sure I can cope. This is going to be a relationship built on trust you have no worries about me betraying you, I am as trustworthy as you sound.

Worry no more dearest Vivian, TDS is here to save you.

Bob for TDS – Definitely falling for that one.


Future IMDB Review.

4 Feb

Ohh Joy !!

As if we havent heard about Katie Price enough, she has managed to cling onto the media spotlight still with her tremendously public and oh so obvious split from Alex Reid.

If your reading this and are unsure what a Katie Price is don’t worry as we are going to do a TDS style rundown.

Katie Price born whenever… who cares is a “businesswoman/Singer/Television personality/writer” …oh and not to forget “chick that gets her tits out for money” that plagues every media outlet in the UK in the most tasteful fashion possible.

In a bid to boost her humble and everlasting career Price has made plans to add yet another job title to her pink CV.

“Katie price has found a producer for her tell all hollywood film” Ohhhh thank fuck…i couldnt wait for this day to come.

Lets get this film into perspective here, good money is about to be spent on a film which lets face it is going to nose dive worse than Flight 93…

The film will be based on her four autobiographies…thats right four!

Seeing that her career started 14 years ago i guess the reasonable thing to do is write a book that is supposed to be about your life every 3 and a half years.

Il be honest and say that im not going to pay to watch this film.

It will just be a boring, heartbreaking, Romeo, Romeo, Romeo and juliet story.

It’s obviously just going to make all guys out to be bad, it will involve a horse somewhere, some crying and shit and more pink and tackyness that your eyes can stand.

If I  had one minuet to live I would watch it, as I promise you it would feel like a life time.

Toby Le’rone – thanks dad

DirtySide Jungle Exclusive!

4 Feb

The Dirty Side can exclusively reveal that the once thought “uncontactable Amazonian Tribe” have been secretly integrating with society for the last few years.

It’s believed their primitive behaviour went completely unnoticed in areas such as Essex and Liverpool, where it is widely accepted to have the skin complexion of an Umpa-lumpa and speak with a range of high-pitched noises.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pictured above: Tribes men and women in their native home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enjoying the nightlife:  Pictured here, Chief bongo interacting with the social nightlife in Essex.

The tribe have reportedly found the transition into western lifestyle easy and are huge fans of Facebook and mobile phones.

We asked one Essex person what they thought:

What! Like, are they a bit foreign and that?

Yeah ! Well fuckem then!

Bob for TDS – fake tan jungle tribe essex link up jokes, what on a friday morning? There should be awards for this stuff!

Is it just me or ?

3 Feb

In the Middle East they have a shit load of rocks! I am not talking massive things, I’m talking perfect hand-held throwing rocks.

Now I admit it doesn’t come up to often these days but when I do have the desire to throw a rock, do you think I can find one? Can I fuck.

Look how many rocks these dudes have in Egypt! It’s no wonder there all throwing them each other.

Whats the first thing people do when it snows? Thats right, throw snowballs, so it stands to reason that when surrounded by perfect hand shaped rocks, your going to end up throwing the odd one or two or Fifty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pictured above: Egyptians revellers enjoying the abundance of throwing rocks.

 

 

Pictured above: Biblical stoning

See they have been doing this years, this is nothing new to them. You try to stone someone in London, you’ll end up with logistical nightmare. No rocks, Health and Safety on your case, forget it.

The only stones you will find in London are the Rolling variety, and geezz those guys are older than some of those Egyptian rocks.

So there you have it.

Until the next edition of “is it just me or ?”

Bob for TDS – Rockin

(You thought I was going to sign off with a joke about getting stoned, didn’t you? yes you did)

No Biggy for Diddy

2 Feb

Ahhh P Diddy.

Slightly better than a Kanye West but below a Jay Z you will find a Diddy.

Unlike the others Diddy has never been in a bit of trouble…the white knight (not racist) of gangsta rap.

Living With his girlfriend and five children Diddy lives a respectable lifestyle, once having been given the “key to the city” by the mayor of Chicago…what a true awesome dude.

But in recent days Diddys reputation has been tarnished after a woman named Valerie Turks from Los Angeles has reportedly filed a 1-trillion-dollar lawsuit against him for …wait for it…being responsible for the 9/11 attacks in New York.

Yes that’s right Mr Diddy was responsible for 9/11, I bet bush wishes he knew that 8 years ago could have saved us a war.

But wait the lawsuit doesn’t stop there, After diddy “knocked down the WTC” Turks wrote “he then came and knocked my children down.”  Terrorism and child abuse …terrible.

Turks also claims Diddy stole a poker chip work “100 zillions of dollars”…I woudn’t of thought they would make 100 zillions of dollars chips but who knows its America.

She further claimed that she once dated Diddy and the 41 year old rapper is father to her 23-year-old son.

She is petitioning for 900 billion dollars in child support – Kids made of gold you see.

And a 100 billion in “loss of income” – yeahhhh right.

anyway good luck Diddy we here at TDS are on your side.

Mike – doing shit and that.

JJBJD- Sports clothing for amateur criminals

2 Feb

Chav’s across the UK have briefly stopped nicking handbags to hear the news that their two favourite clothing stores are merging together to create one of the largest UK high Street businesses.

The bold business move comes amid fears that changing the name to JJBJD will confuse some of their regular clientele.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The new sales tactic being put together by the stores joint management team, will look to provide the ultimate in shopping experiences, incorporating a drive through burger chain, express dole queue, mobile top-up, gold chains and rails and walls to sit on in the store. They were rumoured to be also looking at a gang discount offer for multiple purchases and a new system of no bags, encouraging the shopper to carry their goods stuffed inside a coat for a more authentic experience.

A spokes person said: We are using the model that Selfridge’s used to create their store by putting lots of different brands in one place.

Less “Selfridge” more “Stolefridge’s” One TDS writer quipped!

The management will also be looking to sign an exclusive deal with Jeremy Kyle to have the show played on repeat in the stores.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Chav said “ Dats wicked bruv init, You got any fags ?”

 

The JJB and JD Sports merger is part of their bid to have us all wearing matching tracksuits by 2015.

A spokes person said: We feel that the matching track suit worn casually is now the look of England, we hope that after the merger we can bring even more varieties of track suit to the High Street’s and Police line up’s.

Ironically the Humble track suit was made popular by professional sport’s men and women pictured in the press, fan’s wanting to get closer to the stars by emulating there sporting heroes wore the track suits without actually having to do any sport.

Nowday’s its much more of a comfort whilst climbing though somebody’s bathroom window thing!

So there you have it, one more reason to avoid your local High St !!!

Bob for TDS Init!